Category Archives: WTF?

At some point, whoever was in charge of the Islamic studies curriculum at our mosque had to have said, “We’ll save all the really crazy shit for the teen class.”

Oh to be sure there was all kinds of goofiness being taught to us prior to our teen years, but that wasn’t really any different (or any more entertaining) than what I had learned in Catholic school or catechism. The creation story, the great flood, etc., etc.  With the exception of the story of the Prophet, it was the same stuff, with a slightly different take on a few things.

But once I became a teen…that’s when things REALLY got interesting. I’m not referring to the classes my Dad taught. Don’t ask an engineer to explain the Quran or the Hadith and expect it to be exciting. It’s not.

But Mr. A was a different story. When he taught Islamic classes, the air was electrified as if someone had stuck a massive Tesla coil up his ass and thrown the switch. The guy had a perpetual grin and would bounce around in front the chalkboard like an oversized Syrian flea.

I was excited, too. Not so much that I was interested in learning about Islam (I wasn’t); it was that whatever he had to say was bound to be so outlandishly bizarre that it would be everything I could do to keep from peeing my pants with laughter. Several of us, including me and one of my sisters rarely passed up a chance to make a comment or ask a question that would encourage him to go even further with his idiocy. As he was usually clueless as to our real motivations he would respond to our queries with more fantastic bullshit. The comic effect of it all was intensified tenfold by his incredibly thick accent and hilarious gesticulations. For a bored younger teen, it was the perfect storm.

One of the more memorable courses he taught was on ablution and general cleanliness. For those searching for humor in the otherwise horrific and blood-drenched “Religion of Peace”, this area of study is a veritable fucking goldmine.

From this course, my all-time favorite topic was the subject of elimination, specifically…defecation. That something as basic as how to take a dump would be described and dictated to Muslims was absolutely hilarious, especially to kids that were raised in the West. Out of the myriad problems out there in the vast, expansive universe, Allah was so concerned with how we took a crap that he handed down specific instructions on how to do it. I asked Mr. A how this information he would be sharing with us was pertinent to people living today. Mr. A responded by telling us it was relevant in that there was a possibility we might be in the desert someday and would need guidance on what to do. I responded with a “Sure, why not?” or something to that effect and then…the assault on our intelligence (and funny-bones) began:

• You can’t have your ass or your crotch pointing towards the Kaaba (in Mecca) during elimination.
• You can’t use your right hand to wipe.
• You can’t use an even number of stones to wipe (yeah, you read that right – stones), but an odd number is okay, with three stones being optimal.
• Animal dung and animal bones are verboten. Why? Because according to the Prophet, those are what jinn (spirits) use for food and you don’t want to be pissing them off by smearing poop on their lunch.
• Sand or “dust” is an acceptable substitute for water to cleanse oneself after a particularly messy dump.

Oh, there was more…lot’s more, but you get the point. Throughout the lecture, I was leaning forward, moaning and making wiping gestures with imaginary sticks, bones, chalkboard erasers and rocks, all while impersonating Mr. A’s heavy Syrian accent. My sister was laughing so hard she was in tears and eventually did, in fact, pee herself.

I raised my hand, “One more question, Mr. A.”

Mr. A: “Yes?”

Me: “Bones are bad for wiping my butt after pooping, right?”

Mr. A: “That’s right!”

Me: “But stones are okay to wipe my butt after pooping, right?”

Mr. A: “That’s correct!”

Me: “What about fossils?”

Mr. A: “Class is finished for today. All done!”

Party pooper…